I’m on the mailing list of a Modern Day Guru. I love the way he writes and, most of the time, his articles resonate with me. We’re kind of on the same page. Today was no different. He talked about maturity and mentioned physical, mental, emotional and spiritual maturity.
As I read the article, various thoughts started making a grand entry into my mind. This happens very easily when you’re reading a work-related legal document! So, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was of emotional maturity, and suddenly my mother and her ten-years-older sister, my “Badi” Maasi*, flashed before me.
Now, my Maasi — NB, let’s call her that to protect me from familial backlash — was an exquisitely beautiful, very intelligent woman, with a witchy, unwieldy ego. She was extremely conservative and emotionally pressurised my Mum ever so often. Believe me, since my mother was the queen of emotional blackmail, that was no mean task.
My Mum, having married my progressive father, had, to a large extent, stepped away from her conventional upbringing. I think her own desire, as a young girl, to play sport and not being permitted to do so in an orthodox family structure ignited the feminist in her. She enjoyed the freedom of thought and action she acquired post her marriage, but NB had the ability to pull her back, if not into, at least to the edge of, the conservative world.
As my sisters and I were growing up, some passing comment, some statement of assumed facts from NB would trigger our mothe. NB was frequently on my Mum’s case for the “liberty” my parents gave us. Mum would sometimes get affected and curtail our independence and freedom. But then my sisters grew up, got married (very important for NB), and I got engaged (for NB — the ultimate miracle!).
Just around this time, NB came over to spend the day. I hung out with her for a while — don’t get me wrong, for all her flaws, she was intelligent, witty, fun and… my aunt! I was going out to dinner, so I went to get ready. As I was getting ready, she walked into my room to say bye, saw what I was wearing — shorts (I assure you, very decent and trendy ones) and a long tie-up (alas, those were the days) — and said, “What are you wearing?”
I said, “Why? It’s casual.”
She said, “Arre, you can’t go out like that! Where are you going?”
I said, “To a party.” And then I said — and I admit here, I knew what she was trying to say and I was stirring the hornet’s nest, playing mischief — but I was twenty-four years old and wanted to challenge her concept of right and wrong. So I said, “But before that, to meet Atul’s (my fiancé’s) grandparents.”
The shriek that followed was heard in the neighbour’s bathroom across the park, and “Romil” (my Mum’s name) was yelled so loudly that the cars on the road probably stopped.
Romil arrived, all flustered, and said, “What happened, NB?” (Ki hua, NB?)
To which she was told, “Look at what she is wearing! What will her in-laws say?” (Ae ki paah key ja rahi hai? Uddeh saureh ki kenge?)
Please note that it wasn’t a case of “it isn’t safe” (though, we know that clothes have nothing to do with women’s safety), but more about “what will people say?”, especially the “in-laws”.
My visibly irritated, frazzled and tired mother took a look at me. Then she turned to her sister and, much to my surprise and glee, said, “Please let it be. She looks fine. Please don’t start anything.” (“Rehen doh NB. Theek tey hai. Please tussi kuch start na karo.”) in a firm tone.
And then, “Please come, the driver is waiting to drop you.” (“Tussi aao, driver twanu drop karan-nu wait karda piya hai.”)
NB 0, Romil 1. And maturity 10.
Was this the moment of emotional maturity for my Mum? Or mental maturity? Or was she just fed up of being pressurised? Or did she just not want to deal with an irritating thought process or an extremely rebellious child?
Who knows!
However, if physical maturity means being fully developed, maybe emotional and mental maturity is demonstrated when you rely on your own beliefs and refuse to be swayed by someone else’s ideas of right and wrong. Or when you have the guts to stand up for yourself and your own. Or when you are confident in your judgement. Or when you say yes to your own thinking, and say NO…
And is this even an incident of maturity?!
Maasi - aunt - mother’s sister
